Death is a part of life…. it’s after they are gone that many loose hope and loose touch. I lost my best friend to cancer 5 years ago, it was a painstaking, ugly and just simply put, no fun at all.

In March, I lost a colleague, that became a friend, he added a bright light in my work day. Last week, our very good friends wife died. I am not going to go into an entire sob story here, but if my recent experiences can help someone, or if someone is grieving and my little pieces of advice can help, this post is worth it.

I am going to begin with my friend 5 years ago, after she was told she was now considered “terminal”, which by the way I found out while putting my 16 year old cat to sleep, I had to add that drama-sorry. I spent as much time with her as I could, stopping in daily to help her as she got weaker and less mobile. She said to me one day,

“crack open some beers, give me a cigarette and let’s talk about me dying, no one will talk to me about it and I am scared.” We talked at length, she knew I had no answers of the process, she knew I believed in the afterlife and spirit world, I am confident that on days when the weeds are getting out of control in my garden that she is out there, tisk, tisking me. She just wanted to talk, she just wanted to say it out loud and hear the words.

Now, onto my friend that passed in March, he was my colleague, I ran his dispatch schedule, we talked daily 10-15 times, he endeared himself to me quite quickly and I became quite fond of him. I knew of his family through him and our many conversations, speaking of his wife and kids, he beamed from ear to ear. I met his wife only once, and didn’t get much of a chance to speak to her at the wake. I recently wrote her a small note and hoped that I had the correct address. I wanted her to know what a nice man she was married to, and how when he spoke of them, he did with passion & love. Last night, as we sat with our neighbor who lost his wife last week, my phone rang, and it was my friend’s wife.

She thanked me for my note and said she had to go look up my number and call, the card and my “words” meant the world to her. She asked me if I had time to just “talk” to her. She wanted to hear stories of her husband, she wanted to talk about him, she wanted to remember good things, hear good things. Finding comfort in talking, I shared my stories with her, we laughed, and we cried a little too. Something she said, sparked me to write this post. She told me, no one seems to be around now, 16 weeks has passed, and no one wants to talk about it, or him, as if they are afraid. 16 weeks is not along time, especially for the one’s who have lost someone, this is still fresh and new and as if it happened yesterday.

This is it, we are as a whole, afraid to talk about the unknown or the uncomfortable. Yet, there is controversy all over the blogosphere. So, finding a voice in this type of situation is what really helps people that have lost someone. After they are gone, don’t stop communicating, don’t stop talking. If someone close to you has lost someone, don’t be afraid to ask them how they are doing, or ask them to share a story about that person.

My neighbor sat last night, and talked, he talked of his wife and things they used to do when they were young. He told us of her favorite dinner, of her mean cat and he just talked. There is something to this and the grieving process, I know it in my bones, I don’t have a phd or even a bachelors degree, but I do know human compassion, this helps people heal. It’s all about reaching out, taking the time to stop your daily routine, and see if you can not help someone through a difficult time.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone, even if you don’t know what to say, let them talk!

Tags: death, dying, grief, talking

5 Responses to “After they are gone”

Leave a Reply